Torn

Megan had four or five days of feeling herself again. She was able to eat, she had energy, she had life back in her again. Today was chemo/radiation day, and she was sick again, but not as badly as before. They dropped her chemo a bit since she is getting radiation, and is no longer taking the oral chemo. She was getting toxic brain from the chemo pretty badly, and perhaps the drop was enough to give her a break.

I have been trying to get her to go see a sarcoma specialist at Sloan Kettering. Megan gets very angry with me as she sees no sense in it. Her oncologist is in touch with the director every week, and they are working very closely together on Megan's case. I still think that she needs to consult with a doctor face to face; she refuses.

Megan is at an age where she is too old for me to march her ass down there, and too young (remember---we all thought we would live forever and beat everything at that age...) to have the wisdom that someone twice her age has. When it comes to your health, no one is a better advocate than yourself or your mother. And if you don't ask questions and don't push for answers, you can compromise your health.

Perhaps I need to have faith, but that is tough when you read all the statistics about LMS. I am in a twilight zone......and feel rather helpless in all of this.

The president of New Paltz's Women in Black called me yesterday and asked me to speak at a benefit showing the movie The Ground Truth. I have never kept my opinion of our involvement in Iraq a secret, but I have never spoken in public about it out of respect for Megan during interviews and fundraisers. But I told her today that I accepted the invitation, and will speak from my heart...about the pain of a mother whose daughter went off to bootcamp healthy, at 19 was sent off to war, who came back and has been sick ever since.

May we all have strength and wisdom in this.

Namaste, Patti

Photo by Larry