Dust in the Wind

At times it is surreal to even think that my daughter was a soldier in a war. We here in the US are so removed from this war, once in a while getting a glimpse of it on TV, and the stories we get are largely manipulated by the media. I watch CNN as it is the most fair in its reporting (I think) but I know that they too, are probably not reporting 100% truth.

I can't imagine war. Or wanting to go into the military. I am a pacifist; a hand slamming upon a table makes me run for cover. A raised voice brings panic. One of the things I had to come to terms with was Megan's choice to join the ARMY. At the time she joined, I don't think she ever thought she would go to war.

I thought about the stories Megan would tell me about the dust storms that raged through the desert, where everything would become coated with sand, and I thought about the romantic and sexually charged scene in the English Patient. I can only hope that perhaps there were some moments like that for her....

This is not the venue for my politics.....but sometimes thinking about what she had to do makes me crazy. By the way, the person to the right is Megan. You would never know underneath the kevlar and uniform lies a young woman who was picked up at a store by an agent for modeling......

Tomorrow is chemo and another PET scan. They need to recheck the spot that showed up near her spine. I have arranged to take Alanna overnight so that she can rest in bed as the chemo they give her is the strength that is given for stage IV cancer patients, or so she tells me. She aches all the time, but the first few days are torture for her. The oncologist gave her some very strong painkillers, but she can't take it as she hallucinates and vomits more than usual. She told me she was going to bring them all in and give them back to him and ask for something less powerful to take. The only thing I can do is take the baby and try to get some child care together for her from tuesday thru fridays, which I am in the process of working on. Childcare providers come and go and once again we are without a reliable baby sitter. If I could only stay home....I have plenty of sick time, but I am reluctant to use it in case I REALLY need it down the road. I hate to think of it, but it is wise to plan ahead..

I have joined a sarcoma group online which has tons of information. I have been in contact of one of the people there, a wonderful man who has been battling it for years and now has to have another surgery. He has such a positive outlook and is an architect who lives in the moment. He was such an inspiration to me and posted a wish to the Robinhood fund for her, where you can vote as to who should get donations for a worthy cause. As soon as I get more info, it will be posted here.

Off to post to my own blog and see some pictures I took along the Hudson River this afternoon on my way to see Megan. The sun was sinking, and my hands froze, but the ice was beautiful in its coldness and isolation. I felt one with the ice, and yes, we are all just dust in the wind..............patti