Wednesday, May 09, 2007


Tori Amos put it succinctly in her song Little Earthquakes. The refrain sings
"Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I have moments when I can breathe easily for a while. Just when I get optimistic, something comes along which takes the breath right out of me and twists my stomach and heart into a knot."

I know that Megan never breathes easily. Panic attacks from the stress of all her illnesses invade her life. I know she is strong, but my heart aches knowing she is in pain, and has been facing a life of doctors, needles, poisons and drugs.

Though her chemo and radiation are over, I think the fear of her cancer returning lives deep. It does in me. The doctors are now talking about bilateral hip replacements as her cartilage is shot and she is in constant pain. She does not want to live on painkillers. They still don't have an answer as to why. Megan said it would take more invasive testing and she has not up to this point wanted to put herself through it. I don't blame her.

She is only 23.

She is still planning on going with Dole, where ever he is sent. My heart turns ice cold when I think of it. I can't right now.

I still try and keep optimistic, and just need to get through days like this when I feel our worlds could come crashing in at any moment.

I don't like feeling so vulnerable.

This is a photo of Megan almost three years ago when she returned from Iraq and was pregnant. We went to visit a good friend who had three very cute dogs. That summer was a nurturing time to help heal her and keep her healthy and calm while pregnant. I can remember that summer with a huge warm smile.

Keep the soldiers in Iraq in your meditations, thoughts, or prayers, for many of them are just young kids in deep shit.



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