Hudson River Blues

I mark Megan's treatments by the trips I make the drive along the Hudson River a few times a week . Megan lives on an old farm high on a hill with a kitchen window view of the river.

I watch the ice glaze the surface of the river with a thin, even coat, then over time forming large islands pushed up against the shore by boats passing by. Today the surface is almost frozen over, save for a small lane made by the barges and ice breakers.

I have been obsessed by the cold blue of the river. If I were to become a color it would be the blue of the ice, the color of my grandmother's mints that she kept in a jar,and pool liners.

It is a somber drive as it is heartbreaking to see her sick after chemo and now radiation. I often play some beautiful music, try and think delicious thoughts and not get upset when I see her. Cancer not only affects the patient, but the entire family and its dynamics and psyche. My son has not been around since Megan was diagnosed in the hospital; I don't think he can handle it. I struggle and sometimes feel like I can't breathe with the seriousness and weight of it all.

Today they did another PET scan to carefully monitor the tumor's progress. I bet Megan glows in the dark with all of these scans and poisons invading her body. She was in pretty good spirits today, because she got out of the house for a bit, met up with an old friend, and talked.

It has been hard for the baby too to be holed up in the house in the cold as Megan can't take her outside to play very much. Hence, Larry and I make one or two nights a week "Alanna" night and we have dinner together, build a fire, and as we speak Alanna is playing with a new set of blocks that a gracious friend dropped off for her. She sometimes acts a bit ornery, but no wonder. The scenerio she is in is not optimal for a toddler.

I take a deep breath, and bask in her innocence. I will call Megan later and she how she is feeling.

I am still receiving donations which will keep her home for another month or more. I am so grateful to all of you who have been helping, writing and sending emails of hope and encouragement. We go week to week as they are always testing, adjusting, monitoring. She is on an 8 month course of treatments unless things change. We have made it over a third of the way so far.

Be warm on this cold night, peace, Patti