Megan Aid

Pregnancy Update

2008-06-07T16:21:00.003-04:00

Much of Megan's pregnancy has been fraught with complications. It has not been easy, but Megan is strong and this new life to be has kept her going.

I recently returned from a visit with her and Alanna in Kentucky, where she had her baby shower. It was fun, relaxing, and always good to be with my girls.

However, Megan is in the hospital as she went into labor. She is 30 weeks pregnant or so, and the doctors are keeping her in bed and trying to stop her delivering the baby until after Sunday as they have given her shots of steroids which help the baby's lungs I believe. He is over 3.5 lbs so his chance of survival this early is good.

They have given Megan a shot which lasts for 72 hours to stop her labor, but has come with a host of side affects.

BUT in all of this the good news is that the ARMY is sending her husband home from Afghanistan. Amen to that.

Alanna is staying with her biological father and his family in the meantime. The situation is unique, and thank God Megan has them.

We take things one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I have faith that all will work out, and constantly reassure her that all will be well and little baby Dole will have an excellent shot at survival.

Megan laughs and says it is harder for her to keep this baby "in" then actually giving birth.

I believe it!

Keep the baby and Megan safe in your thoughts,

patti

Dance Light as my Heart Lays Under Your Feet

2008-04-30T20:48:00.004-04:00

It has been a month now since I have last posted.

Megan has had some physical problems. Her cervix is still thinning out, though the baby is now about 1.5 lbs. and could survive if he were to be born now. Megs is taking hormones to stop labor as much as possible, and the doctors are monitoring her every week with sonograms.

She had to have her throat cauterized as it was bleeding, and at night time bleeding into her lungs. The docs think it is from her hiatal hernia (which she may have gotten from being blown out of a Humvee in Iraq from an explosion) which is exacerbated by her pregnancy, complicated by the radiation she had. No painkillers, and for a week she was pretty uncomfortable.

I will be heading down there in three weeks to see my girls again. Dole is far far away in the mountains of Afghanistan and can only call home once a week. No Internet in the mountains either.

Megan had to move, and may have to move again. Hurray for the glories of on-base housing, but I won't get into that.

The photo tonight is a piece that I am entering in a show called "Touched by Cancer". This piece is called Hope for Megan, and tonight's blog title is a verse from a poem I found in an antique book. I cried while making both this piece and the piece for my father, but it was OK as the tears soothe the pain and they are tears of love.

Patti

Show opens saturday night at Backstage productions in Kingston NY. Email me for more information.

The Girls Are Good

2008-03-31T20:31:00.004-04:00

I had a wonderful visit with Megan and Alanna. How could I not? They were both thrilled to see me and we had a fun time cooking, spending Easter together, having a hunt and dinner for the kids and all the girls whose husbands have left for Afghanistan. In addition we went shopping, went to see Horton Hears a Who (FABU movie by the way-----so wonderfully done!) and I spent lots of time potty training.

The trip is always an adventure, but for the most part I have met really cool people on the flights, and I know how to take good care of myself on long layovers. I feel like quite the world traveler, considering once I had a travel phobia.

Megan is having some problems with too many Braxton Hicks, and her cervix appears to be thinning out. Thankfully, she goes to a specialist in Nashville every week who is paying close attention to her situation. They are not suturing her cervix yet, but that may come.

I am entering two pieces in an art show hosted by an Oncology Group in our city. I want to support them as they treated Megan with the most amazing grace and caring. I will post pics at a later time.

Photo of Alanna on Easter day, doing her egg hung. (ps Hmmm....pic not loading???)

To cure, Patti

Heading South

2008-03-16T21:21:00.002-04:00

I have my ticket and am heading to see my girls for Easter. Dole has left, Megan is very sad, so Ms. Mary Poppins will make a visit and try to sooth and bring joy to their lives.

I am looking forward to warmer weather weather there, and praying that no tornado alarms sound. I am not liking the dangers of that part of the country. It makes my studio flood look like a sneeze vs. the flu.

I promise I will take lots of pictures, and am sure I will have some stories to tell.

Megs has a visit with the oncologist next month just to touch base. So far her blood has been normal, and her cholesterol and blood pressure super low.

Remember my friends...each day of life is a gift.

That is a lesson I learned this past year.

More after I get back!

patti

It's a Boy!

2008-02-24T09:45:00.002-05:00

Another monthly update on Megan.

She is doing well, is at 16 weeks, and they have discovered she is having a boy on her recent sonogram. I tell her she has a million dollar family now, one of each, and she can quit.

She laughs, and says oh no, he won't be the last. Silently I think she is nuts, but perhaps she herself will decide 2 is enough when she has to take care of them on her own, when Dole is deployed, or sent on various missions and trainings.

The pregnancy has not been that smooth as she has been having frequent migranes, still getting sick (I think her immune system is not quite up to par yet) and ended up in the ER last week for severe stomach pain. The docs took as many tests as they could, and said the blood work was negative for cancer, and that they are thinking she has gallstones. She has a scan on the 6th, and this week has an appointment with a doctor in Nashville who deals in high risk pregnancies. So far her cervix is holding out (it did not behave for Alanna....)and we keep our fingers crossed. New York is a long way from Tennessee......

Dole leaves for Afghanistan in two weeks, leaving behind his family. In some ways I was hoping that Megan had to be on bedrest, so that he could stay behind. But things will play out the way they are supposed to.

I suspect I am going to fly to see them in several weeks during my Easter break. I have not surfed for prices yet. I hope I can find a flight for less than 300.00. I hate flying in the winter as the weather is so unpredictable, even in mid March. Last year we got a huge snowstorm the weekend of St. Patrick's day.

Will be back with more posts as I get news, and say a prayer for all those in your life who do have cancer, that they will have love,strength, and support through it all.

patti

Little Baby Crain

2008-01-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

I have not been great at keeping up with everything, but here is a picture of Megan's little baby at about 10 weeks. Soon she will be over the dangerous time where she can miscarry..a fear that she had since she had to have a PET scan done early in the pregnancy.

The docs say mom and baby are doing well. Mom has a lot of migraines, but they have given her some medication for that. She will be transferred to a hospital in Nashville for high risk pregnancies as she had problems with Alanna, possibly necessitating a cervical cerclage.

Alanna is excited about the baby, and we are all hoping that she will be TOTALLY potty trained before baby X enters the world.

Every day I rejoice in their good health, and every day I pray for a miracle that will keep Dole home with his family, instead of wandering around Afghanistan. I keep saving my child support for future trips to Tennessee to visit the girls when they are alone and lonely. Then Mimi Poppins will show up with a suitcase full of magic and always brimming with hope and love.

patti

An Announcement

2007-12-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

I have waited a long time to post this as Megan and Dole did not tell their entire family till the holidays.

It is a miracle, but Megan is pregnant!She was about to undergo testing to see if her eggs were viable after all the chemo and radiation. I guess those tests will not have to be performed as she is closing on 8 weeks pregnant. She had a PET scan done early on in the pregnancy, which does put her at a higher risk of miscarriage, but so far so good, and the test was negative.

She cannot be tested again until after the baby is born as it is too high a radiation to do 2 more scans. So we hold our breath, take life one day at a time, and hope that all goes well.

We all had a delightful holiday; lots of joy, love, family, friends, good cheer. We did not have a lot of time together, but what time we did have was spent in great joy.

No longer do we take anything for granted--that is the great gift that has come out of cancer. Each day is wonderful, time together cherished. I no longer feel the need to worry about the little things, as in ten years, most of the little things won't matter at all. Megan and I rarely argue, and if we do, it is a matter of a short amount of time before we revisit the issue and talk it out.

It is hard to believe that at 50, I will have two grandchildren. I look forward to the adventures ahead.

The only thing that worries and saddens me is that Dole leaves in March for Afghanistan and Megan will be alone. I am saving my money from my long overdue child support that has been coming from my ex, for the trips ahead to Tennessee/Kentucky. I am sure I will also be taking Alanna for some time in the summer....the blessings of having the summer off as a teacher.

For those of you who read this, please say a meditation or prayer for my friend Gary who is dying at home of cancer. He does not have much time left on this earth. My visits to him have been wonderful....though death is never an easy thing to deal with, I am learning about love, grace, and comforting those who have touched my life.

So much to learn, so little time.

Patti

Can't Wait!

2007-12-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

This is a photo Megan just sent of us when I went down to visit her in Tennessee at the end of October. I snagged it from her Myspace page to post it here. Thanks Andrea for the great photo, and Megs, for sending it!

I look awfully young in the photo...wondering if my friend did a little touch up on me, or if it is me au natural.

Megan and Alanna are due to arrive here momentarily. I can't wait!

Meg's PET scan last week was again negative, which gives us great reason to celebrate!

And more to come...soon, very soon.

patti

Coming Home

2007-12-13T19:22:00.000-05:00

Megan and Alanna fly in next Friday for a week. It has seemed like forever since the last weekend of October when I went to visit them.

I have stripped the bedding, cleaned the sheets, and re-made the bed in preparation for my girls. Dole still does not know if he can join his family for their first holiday together. He is slated to leave for Afghanistan in March, and has been in various places of training for the deployment.

I just envision peace and wisdom over them both, and know that I cannot change a thing, that everything that happens is part of all of our collective and individual journeys.

I haven't asked Megan about her latest scan. I figure I will know right away if anything is bad. Right now, we are in the rejoicing mode, in preparation for the celebration of friends and family.

And I shout to the heavens, to the trees, rocks and fabulous mountains, THANK YOU.

Patti
The amazing photo of Megan by Larry of course...an 8 x 10 taken in our dining room.....

Kingston Daily Freeman Article Link

2007-11-11T21:14:00.001-05:00

It has been a while since I last posted. I have been to Clarksville and back. It was a wonderful trip to see both of my girls.

Megan has some various issues, mostly physical in nature. A hiatal hernia which needs repair (from getting blow out of a Humvee??? I think that is perhaps what she said, but don't quote me)and some other visits to various doctors.

It makes me nuts to think about how many things are wrong with her, but she comes from strong blood, and we did a lot of laughing, game playing, movie watching, shopping and cooking...and jeez, and I was only there Saturday and Sunday!!!

I have more stories to tell, but other blogs to write.

Here is the link to the article written by our local paper. They wrote about Megan last January or so, when she was undergoing chemo and radiation. Today was a follow-up for Veterans' Day. Interesting article. It always hits harder when it is so close to home.

I talk to her almost every day. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is silly. Sometimes it is sad. But it is always with love, and that is all that counts.

Patti

PS Photo done by my amazing friend Judy Esmond. She can be found through her website, or give me a holler. She photographed Megan's wedding, and the photographs are amazing and artistic, all that we could have wished for. Thank you from the bottom of ALL of our hearts!!!!!

Goin' to Clarksville

2007-10-18T20:43:00.000-04:00

It has been too long since I have written. School has kept me busy, but not busy enough to keep me from missing my two girls, and yes, my new son in law. Out of sight has NOT meant out of mind.

Between email and phone calls, we have been able to keep in touch frequently.
It has been nearly two months since I have seen them, and I made reservations to visit next weekend -- so Tennessee, here I come. Are ya'll ready for me?

Megan lives in Clarksville, which is about an hour from Nashville, and a stones throw away from the Kentucky border.

It is ironic that she would live in Clarksville, as her last name was Clark, her father's name,----a name which I so quickly and desperately rid myself of after my divorce.

I am going alone as Larry and I both can't afford to go--but they will be here in December and we will all be together again for a while. After that I am not sure what they are going to do. Dole is being sent to Afghanistan after the holidays, and Alanna's dad just left for Iraq a few days ago.

Once again there are people who are intricately woven into our all of our lives who are being put in harms way --- for what I ask. Someone, give me a vision so that I may make SOME sense of all of this......this endless and senseless war!!!

Megs has not been feeling well. She thinks maybe she has had food poisoning for the past week, or some virus has been invading her body, but she has made a doctor's appointment nonetheless. We both don't even want to think of the possibility of it being anything else, but we both know that we will never be free to NOT think of it being the cancer.

Yet I focus on our upcoming giant girls sleep over, where all is light, laughter, love, and tons of white light.

Patti
Photo of 8/25 wedding...in order, me, Randall (Dole) and Megan.

The Times They are a Changin'

2007-10-04T21:47:00.001-04:00

It has been far too long since i have posted.

I miss Megan and Alanna so far away in Tennessee. I will be booking a flight this weekend to go and visit in several weeks. I really don't have the money, but I trust that the universe will provide it in some form. A rebate, a long overdue child support check (heard the ex is working..he owes me 100,000.00! Amazing, eh?)
some good art sales.

Things are changing as I write however, and in a few days I will tell more.

The times, they are always a changin'.

patti

Happy Birthday Alanna

2007-09-09T21:56:00.000-04:00

Today was our send off party for Megan, Alanna, and Dole, and it also happened to be Alanna's 3rd birthday.

We had it at one of the local parks which had a lovely view of the Hudson and wonderful rolling hills, neatly manicured. It was the only park left for rent on a Sunday afternoon, and probably one of the best parks TO rent with the views and country setting.

Dole leaves in the next day or so for Kentucky. When he gets there he will find out more info as to his deployment to Iraq. Hopefully it won't be right away. If it is, Megan is going to set up house in the Hudson Valley, as it does not make sense to move far away with Alanna, and have no husband, no friends, and have to find a new oncologist and medical care to boot. She has quite a support system and boy is she going to need it if he is sent to Iraq, perhaps harder for her since she has been there and knows what a hell hole it is.

Well, things always work out the way they are supposed to, so once again I have to turn it over to God/the universe and trust in its workings.

Patti

Test Results!

2007-08-28T22:53:00.001-04:00

I need to post other pics for the wedding, but news flash, Meg's test results are back....She looks good!

She will have to find an oncologist in Kentucky, so we are on the search for one, as she needs scans every 3-6 months.

The doc said she has lots of scarring from the radiation, and she and Dole may never have children, and they can harvest a few eggs and test them.

I think she is still in the healing mode, and not well enough to consider getting pregnant. She knows she has been blessed with Alanna, and like I always tell her, things happen for a reason, and perhaps Alanna was a gift, even though she was not expected (remember---in Iraq, birth control shots left in sun..some girls got pregnant as they were no good...)

A picture of Megan during rehearsal. A self portrait of her toughness on her arm done in Germany. The other which you can barely see which is fairly recent states:
Only God can Judge me.

Poignant, and true.

Till the next blog, Patti

Rehearsal

2007-08-26T12:11:00.000-04:00

This is a photo of Megan after the rehearsal trying on her dress. She looked oh-so-lovely in it.

The wedding was lovely. Very very hot, but we all survived. The church was one of the most incredible places I have been in. Gothic interior, groin vaults, pointed arches, and it's wood construction was like being in a large ship or ark!

I will be writing bits and pieces about the wedding over the next few days, and of posting photos as they come in.

Megan had her PET scan earlier in the week and will get a call soon to tell her if there are any cancer cells in the tumors or other hot spots. The 5 year survival rate is about 50%, so lets pray for some good odds this time. It would be her greatest wedding gift!!!

Patti

The Bridal Shower

2007-08-19T18:02:00.000-04:00

There was plenty of food, and a nice intimate group of girls showed. The bridesmaids, a few relatives, and some of my friends. We played silly games, drank mimosas, had delicious homemade dishes, and four hours of a fun party, complete with three energetic toddlers.

Megan looks good. No, she looks great. It is wonderful to see her Julia Roberts smile light up her face. She has recovered well from her treatments. Hard to believe that three months ago there were times when she could hardly walk.

I pray each day that she will be well. I think of how important this wedding is to a young girl who does not know what life will deal to her tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month. We will never be able to be at 100% peace knowing that cancer can knock at her door at any time. But the joy of her wedding, the excitement of her starting a new home in Kentucky with her husband and child surely must count for having a positive effect on her health.

Till the next time, a tired but happy mom.

More News

2007-08-07T23:54:00.001-04:00

The summer is flying fast. Wedding plans starting to take form and somehow I know it will all pull together fine. I think Megan is flying by the seat of her pants on much of this, and I am helping out when asked, or when needed.

I have my dress...it is a splendid gown. It has been a long time since I have bought a dress like this, and it is a bit surreal that my daughter is getting married.

Her fiance just got his orders and they will be in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, a bit of a ride from the Catskill Mountains of New York. I had to recheck a map of the US to see where Kentucky is. The weather maps still list it as the "northeast". Hmmm...

I am still in disbelief that they will be so far from friends and family. I think they will be in for a bit of a shock. Dole says Megan will have to work just to buy me plane tickets. I hope the area is nice. I don't have high hopes that a Military Base is in the lovely rolling hills of Kentucky, but maybe it is.

Time to do a bit more research.

It is the same base that Alanna's father is stationed. How strange for all concerned. * I am humming the Moody Blues..."isn't life strange......"
patti

Wedding Plans

2007-07-19T08:49:00.000-04:00

It has been a while since I have written on this blog. I have been enjoying summer vacation, traveling, relaxing, trying to release the stress of the past 9 months.

Sometimes I wonder if my constant traveling is the need to run away from it all. When I am on the run, I know that no one can find me to ask me to do anything, or else I am too far to help. At times I feel desperate to put it all behind me and to keep running. Running and work keeps me from thinking of the possiblities that the future holds. I know I need to find peace right in my own home and within myself; perhaps that is the biggest challenge I face.

Megan is getting married August 25th in a small church in Ellenville, with a barbeque at a local gun and game club, the same one that I had my reception in when I married Megan's father. That seems so long ago, another life that I wish I could forget.

I hope that her marriage is far more joyful and peaceful than my first and that they can survive the difficulties of navigating through a relationship at such a young age. I worry about the both of them being young, with so much facing them, but I have to remind myself that they are on their own journey.

They still don't know when and where they are going as Dole has not received his orders yet.

Megan has another PET scan on the 24th, the day before the wedding. She is asking that her results be held till after the wedding. I can't blame her. If they are not good, she does not need to ruin her day, though I am sure there is always a shadow of fear that follows her around. At least she will have insurance, though I am not sure how good the government's TRICARE is. I do not hold much esteem for anything the government does these days, and they already have established how poorly they treat our soldiers. Let us hope it is all good as there is no money to cover any medical expenses for her.

Will keep you updated as time progresses. May your summer be joyful and rejuvenating, Patti

Summer of '07

2007-07-08T09:22:00.000-04:00

I have welcomed the end of the school year as the last 8 months have burned me out; the trauma of Megan's diagnosis, her treatments, the baby, keeping up with school, trying to have something to give to my family (mother in nursing home, two aunts who are not well, a son who is struggling with mental and addiction problems and entrenched in denial...) and run my art business and make art.

I have been working hard on trying to get my house together as it has so long been ignored, to make art and to enjoy life; at trip to NYC dedicated mostly to art, an upcoming trip to the cape dedicated to my girlfriends AND art, time with my husband who has forgotten what it is like to have a wife at times.

Megan and Dole are getting married in August. I have mixed feelings about marriage, especially when they are so young, and I see some things that make me question "will it work?". But I also must let it go and let them find their own way. They will be moving out of state and I think Megan is going to be in for a real shock when she realizes she can't call mom or grandma to take the baby overnight so she can have a social life....or when she is sick or no longer has patience for a 2 year old.

I also worry about her health, but I have to let that go too. She will have a PET scan in August, and we pray that it will be fine.

So this is the summer of letting go, of enjoying the beauty of my gardens, the northeast, and the gratification of working in my studio or landscaping my yard.I look to each day with a sense of joy and appreciation of life, and the fact that I made a wise choice in choosing a career that gives me time to recharge. I worked hard to get there, and work hard all year, and reverently bask in the beauty of each day and being my own boss in the summer. Each year it hold more meaning and more appreciation of life.

And there are my friends...

I will write periodically to keep you all posted about Megan, and still need to post some site about LMS.

Patti

More Updates....

2007-06-24T09:38:00.000-04:00

I have been posting very sporadically here, which for the most part is good because that means things are going at an even keel. Megan has another PET scan in August and that will show the status of the tumors.

She is still working at Mohonk, and plans on marrying Dole and leaving town as soon as she can set up house at whatever military base he is assigned to.

Personally, I think they should live together for longer than the 7 months they have before they consider marriage, but you know, she has to live her life the way she sees fit. I don't know how she will do as she is leaving her entire support system behind her, and I am sure Alanna is going to miss her family very much. I know I will...as they have been a very intergral part of our lives for three years.

Dole will undoubtedly be shipped off at some point to Iraq. But we can alwasy hope for miracles. I have to remember the principles of Al Anon...I can't control anything, all I can do is focus on the things that I can change, and find a place of peace in all of this.

It has been one of my biggest challenges, letting my children go. Well, letting a lot of things go, but we won't get into that. It has been hard but I am fortunate to have a great therapist, to have art as therapy, and am willing to do that work that it takes to find peace and love. And, I have wonderful friends and a husband who accepts me for who I am (for the msot part). I guess I can't ask for more.

I will check back in from time to time and keep updates going. I have the summer off so I will be working religiously posting to my Eat Man Drink Water blog, and am starting one "Catskill Paper" which is purely about art. I need to run separate blogs in all of this as I love to do my daily musings, but also want to keep writing about art.

Thanks my readers for hanging in! patti

The Bearer of my Joy

2007-06-12T23:06:00.000-04:00

Megan has been busy, I have not talked to her much. Life seems to be going back to normal, yet it never quite does. Pain still lurks, the upcoming PET scan brings the dreaded "what if". I keep praying that we will beat statistics.

We go on a day at a time. We enjoy the love and innocence of our grand daughter, and I can't think about their leaving.

I know at some point in time we are going to have to discuss this as I know Dole is probably going into the Army full time and they will move.

I worry. About Megan, about Alanna, about her cancer. I don't want to let either one of them go, but I must.

My other blog talks about how innocence soothed the scorpio in my today. May her innocence also bring joy, love, and healing to my daugher's life and give her the strength she needs.

Keep her in your thoughts. All your prayers and meditations have gotten us through a very rocky eight months, and for that I am eternally grateful.

A photo of Larry and Alanna tonight after our pasta dinner. She loves him so much.

In joy, Patti

QUICK catch up

2007-06-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

This is really quick and I don't even have a photo to post, but it has been a while since I have posted and I owe you all a quick blog.

Megan is working up at Mohonk 20 hours a week as a valet. I can't imagine any place nicer and more beautiful to work for the summer. She is easing her way back into the workforce as she has no more money and is feeling well enough to work part time for now.

Her next pet scan is in 2 months and so far she is feeling good. She still needs a hip replacement, but she does not want anything done right now as she needs to recover from six months of feeling horrid and being dreadfully ill.

We take it a day at a time. It is a relief to see her feeling better.

No news on when she may move, nor on Dole's deployment. He is still away...being trained in the deserts of California. What torture for her.

I keep hoping for a miracle.

xxpatti

Going Back to Work

2007-05-19T16:38:00.001-04:00

I have been remiss by not posting for a while. I have not been much in a writing mood as of late, and come to think of it, today is the first day in a while that I have even entered my studio. Time, time, time.......

Megan went to a job fair at Mohonk this week. She cannot work full time but needs money to live on as she is not making it and fund raising has come to a halt. That is ok as she needs to get out and get back into the swing of things again.

She interviewd for a valet job up at Mohonk Mountain House, which if you don't already know, is one of the more magical places in the world. My friend Bardet always said there were magical powers up there. (photo is a digital piece I did of the Mountain House and Spa)

I hope she gets the job as it won't be too hard on her physically. She won't have to lift too much too far too often, and if she smiles nicely, and is charming (she is already beautiful) she should be able to make some good tips. I do hope that she will be able to pull this off.

She still needs a total hip replacement, but she is not up to doing that yet. I don't blame her. She has been through enough for now.

Dole is away for three weeks for desert training for his reserve unit. (you do know what that means...) He is going or considering going into the Army full time. I wish I could get him out, but he would never listen to me, and never do it. We need a miracle of some sort to happen.

In the meantime Megan is missing him and I have a feeling I will be seeing a bit of her over the next 3 weeks.

Till the next time, Patti

Tremors

2007-05-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

Tori Amos put it succinctly in her song Little Earthquakes. The refrain sings
"Oh, these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

I have moments when I can breathe easily for a while. Just when I get optimistic, something comes along which takes the breath right out of me and twists my stomach and heart into a knot."

I know that Megan never breathes easily. Panic attacks from the stress of all her illnesses invade her life. I know she is strong, but my heart aches knowing she is in pain, and has been facing a life of doctors, needles, poisons and drugs.

Though her chemo and radiation are over, I think the fear of her cancer returning lives deep. It does in me. The doctors are now talking about bilateral hip replacements as her cartilage is shot and she is in constant pain. She does not want to live on painkillers. They still don't have an answer as to why. Megan said it would take more invasive testing and she has not up to this point wanted to put herself through it. I don't blame her.

She is only 23.

She is still planning on going with Dole, where ever he is sent. My heart turns ice cold when I think of it. I can't right now.

I still try and keep optimistic, and just need to get through days like this when I feel our worlds could come crashing in at any moment.

I don't like feeling so vulnerable.

This is a photo of Megan almost three years ago when she returned from Iraq and was pregnant. We went to visit a good friend who had three very cute dogs. That summer was a nurturing time to help heal her and keep her healthy and calm while pregnant. I can remember that summer with a huge warm smile.

Keep the soldiers in Iraq in your meditations, thoughts, or prayers, for many of them are just young kids in deep shit.

patti

On Being Mary Poppins

2007-05-05T09:05:00.000-04:00

I usually don't repeat what I write in my personal blog here, but sometimes my personal blog crosses over with this one. Though the main function of this blog is about my daughter's cancer, progress and treatments, it is also about how cancer and illness affects other people in the ill person's life. And sometimes about LMS, the cancer itself.

I have been away so I have not talked much to Megan about what is going on with her medically. She is having insurance problems so she has not gone yet for the MRI's that the orthopedic docs want done. She is still seeing the oncologist as they are trying to fix her blood which is out of whack (I don't know details) as well as the stomach ulcers which did not heal during her chemo and radiation.

Her boyfriend is considering joining the ARMY full time and if he does, there is talk of her and Alanna moving with him. I worry about that. I can't even talk about it without getting upset and sad. So I won't right now until I know more.

But while at my sister's helping her and her family as she just had a little baby boy, I composed this blog, and I am cross-posting it.

On Being Mary Poppins

"Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking." --Mary Poppins.

I was in the bathroom at my sister's house doing my routine of massaging in my face lotion, brushing my long hair, applying the little bit of makeup that I wear...and suddenly I felt very sad. I put down my brush and stared off into space in the tiny bathroom thinking about Mary Poppins, and how I felt like I have been popping in and out of people's lives, fixing things, making people laugh, nursing them back to health, loving them, making magic, and then leaving. (or as in this case, perhaps having THEM leave..)

I cried a few tears thinking about new life and how death lurks near, about illness and health, and how I have tried to make things better and how love has given me strength, joy, and wisdom.

I wondered how Mary Poppins felt when she had to leave the people who's lives she had touched and changed?

I had come to my sister's house, befriended her animals, had a wonderful time with her 12 and 2 year old, kept up with basic house cleaning chores like keeping the sink and dishwasher empty, organizing toys, doing some transportation, and did a lot of laughing.

After Mary came home with her baby, we all had lunch together and I knew it was my time to leave. Peter had to put the swing and bed together, Helena needed time with her mother, Mary need to nurse the baby and take a nap. I knew it was time for me to head out onto the highway again and gain strength for the next life I might pop into.

Is that why Mary Poppins had to leave? To recharge for the next event? Did she too shed a tear before she took off?

Before I left I told them how I felt like Mary Poppins, and how I was sad to leave. They were sad too, but my sweet niece said "but Mary Poppins always comes back"....and with that I smiled, got into my car, and drove off with a smile.

And here I am, on the highway, shooting out the windshield of my car......welcoming the greens of spring, the mountains on my journey and thinking about whose life I would next pop into for a bit.

In magic, Patti